Susan: Healing my Body with Pilates

The Dark and the Light

I am committed to being honest and authentic with you each week which means I must have the courage to share my struggles as well as my successes. The beginning of last week was extremely rough for me.  My well ran dry and I lost my desire to fight the every day battle.    Everything just felt too hard to do.  I was so tired of being in constant discomfort.  Honestly, I felt like it would be easier to die.  I certainly knew it would be more peaceful.  There are not many people to whom I can express this truth.  When I feel this way I feel guilty. There is a voice inside my head that scolds me - "after all I am so much better off than so many others"!  And when I feel this way I feel angry.  I ask myself if I am working through some bad karma from many lifetimes ago???  Suffering evokes so many difficult emotions.  Last week I read a quote from Nelson Mandela that struck a chord: "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies".

Well, with some help from some wise friends I worked through that rough patch and ended my week taking a lesson with Lori Coleman-Brown, our guest teacher and a PT from Seattle.  Lori has not seen me since the surgery.  What a gift to have her work with me.  And, wow, I was able to do some things with her that I have not tried since I was healthy.  I did the Airplane on the Cadillac, the Pull-Up on the Wunda Chair and the whole Short Box on the Barrel, including the tree.  I felt a tiny bit afraid but I knew that she would not let me try anything that she did not think I could handle.  I was overjoyed after our lesson. I felt vital again.  I am so thrilled to share these photos with you.

I felt so successful and for one of the first times felt like I might be able to get back to where I was before my surgery. Of course, I understand that I will never be the same.  Physically I am sure I will struggle with many things that used to be relatively easy.  And...emotionally and spiritually I know that I am and will continue be better and better!  More compassionate, loving, thankful and connected to our shared humanity- The whole world is God's suffering as Carl Jung said.

That's all for this week.  I am broken open enough.  Vulnerability is hard to do, yes?

Here is a poem for you by C. Rondeaux:

A soul unfolds in light

petals seeking warmth are met

sometimes with thunderstorms

raging winds or desert heat

how delicate are they

to survive each element

and bloom again

and again

seeking always to unfold

Susan

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." ~Carl Jung

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