I keep a beautiful ceramic bowl on my nightstand filled with little cards with different words on them. They are called "Angel Cards". I will begin many of my days by picking a card, a word, and holding it in my consciousness as a reminder to integrate it into my way of being on that particular day. The words are beautiful and thought provoking - integrity, resilience, joy, compassion, etc.
Today, is my new birth-day, the two year anniversary of my spinal cord surgery. The doctors mark the two year timeframe clinically. They have clinical data to support the fact that the spinal cord continues to heal two years post surgery. After two years they "believe" the healing continues but cannot say clinically that this is the case. This earmark has been looming within me for quite a while now, a ticking time bomb setting an internal expectation: "When you reach this date your time is up and you lose". I have been carrying this in my mind, heart and body and not realizing the impact it has been having on me- dread, helplessness and not being in control- all the elements of fear.
Today, my anniversary day, I picked the word "celebration". I immediately thought to myself, "wow, the universal energy that surrounds me is ever amazing. The Divine sending me this message is a miracle". I often tell others that "who I took myself to be" died on this day two years ago and the ensuing journey has been one of literally and figuratively "re-birthing" myself. So I thought, yes, this is a day of celebration that I am alive and walking again and continuing to heal. How perfect!? As I continued to prepare myself this morning holding this word, celebration, in my consciousness I noticed my mood shift. I was not happy and grateful instead shifting into anger, irritation, and general nastiness. The world became dark and I felt myself become smaller and smaller. I got on a call at 9am with a fellow coach verbalizing that this was in fact the two year mark and that I was in a nasty mood. I did not understand why...I should be grateful and happy that I have done so well! As we talked I began to uncover what was going on inside of me...why I was feeling so angry...perhaps victimized (and I had tried so hard not to "be" this way)... filled with rage! The volume of my voice raised as I began to speak, my face red with rage and the tears streaming down my face.
HOW DARE THE DIVINE ASK ME TO CELEBRATE WHEN SO MUCH WAS TAKEN FROM ME TWO YEARS AGO! Celebration was far beyond my capacity as a human being today. Had not the Divine asked enough of me to fight, and suffer and endure these past two years??? And now asking me to celebrate this anniversary, this ticking time bomb, was outrageous, incomprehensible and far more than I could handle. I raised my fist to the sky in absolute rage and said NO MORE, I CAN ENDURE NO MORE! And I cried, and slumped in my chair. Depleted, emptied, naked and raw once again. She held me in silence for quite a while as I recovered.
I raised my eyes and looked at her sensing the beautiful, cathartic process I had experienced as I once again was challenged to face the unknown- my humanity. To have realized, as I have many times before, that I am not in full control of the outcome of this journey, that my suffering has meaning and is a call for me to be more attentive to my beliefs that may be injurious and fear based. Another opportunity to consciously live in the present moment, to notice and allow this to impact me and respond by facing whatever arises with courage, strength, resilience, creativity and an open heart; each moment being molded and unmolded, woven and unwoven with great compassion. Today was a birth-day to celebrate as I committed to no longer allowing this clinical timeline to be a self imposed obstacle to recovery, re-birth and reclaiming an abundant, vital existence.